I've decided that colic is just another word for hazing. Colic is not as mysterious as the doctors, nurses, emergency room residents will have you believe. I feel that it happens to many babies. My theory is that these babies are simply ensuring that they've been taken home by the best, most resourceful and strongest parents available. After all, who wants to be kid with the lightweights for caregivers?
It's all very simple if you think about it. Colicky babies are putting the parents (and siblings) through their paces when they are at their worst. It's the Crucible for a family unit; a familial triathlon if you will. You see, even colicky babies sleep all day "carbing up," for the big race that starts promptly at 8pm, rain or shine. When the gunshot goes off so do they. The bigger and bloodier the scream, the more these sleep-deprived, emotionally drained and physically depleted adults have to dig down deep for another hour of swaying with baby...another hour of swaddling, shushing, lullabying until your throat is sore and your back is on fire. Just then, the colicky baby decides to go into hiding (aka: a 2 minute nap) making the parents believe they are demi-gods at finding the right solution to lull baby to sleep. Just as the parents drowsily crawl back on to the couch, pull covers to their chin and close their eyes, the colicky baby pulls a surprise ambush and begins to wail excitedly as if its skin is aflame. The race continues until at least 4am.
But fear not, good parents! The colic or hazing (its proper name) won't last forever. According to our forefathers who bore this burden before us, it only goes on for 12-16 weeks so buck up young soldiers and fight on! It may not be the Cold War or even the Battle of the Bulge but this is the fight that commences a bond between baby and his perseverant parents who have not only proven themselves to baby but have come away with the knowledge that nothing in parenting is easy but with a sense of humor and a lot of home brew (tobacco for Andy, hot water and brown sugar for me) only makes you that much stronger and impervious to the big obstacles that await. The next one? Teething or as I like to call it: Miniaturean Volcanoes Eruptus.