Wednesday, May 7, 2014


Such a simple joy, lasting only minutes before she's tearing off her swimsuit to wrestle dry clothes over a dripping little frame.  Because suddenly, so very urgently, she has to paint a dress made of toilet paper, for Elsa.

She's off designing, taping, painting - fiercely devoted to her own made-up task.  I can barely keep up. Physically, I am standing all day like her beacon of light, listing in the water when she needs to see there's still someone taking care of her.  

I'm here.  Watching constantly, loving on often, reassuring frequently, and worrying way too damn much. This is my worry face.  Dear Sparrow has it down: 

Cute on her, not so much on a nearly 40-year-old woman with crow's feet.

All the worry, I know it's bad.  I can feel its gnarly cells leaching into my body, stealing off with my proper liver functions and Buddha-like peace.  

Good news is I've identified the problem.  Bad news is I'm stuck in a rut and not sure how to get out.  Yoga my way toward the light?  Vacation away the stress?  Interview toward a different goal altogether? 

Chocolate.  I just wish chocolate was the answer.  

I'm trying to take a page from my son's way of doing things.  At school and on the field, he is hyper-determined and freight-train driven to the point of distraction.  We have to remind him it's about teamwork and S+ are not so bad.  But he completely turns it off when he leaves the field.  Somehow he can let it go when there is no field.

I need to get the hell off my field, guys.  

Don't worry.  This isn't code for an abysmal dark hole I'm digging myself out of.  It's just an annoying little bad habit rut I want to mash down with my fists.  Wanted to share in case you've been there, too.  I'll figure something out.  Right now, I get the feeling I'm supposed to work it off (physically - run, workout, increase muscle) and intellectually work it through (get myself re-certified?  pursue another field entirely?  Dance naked to the Beastie Boys?)  

The balance between worry and peace will always rock back and forth, never resting center for long.  My goal is to strike that balance of me vs. them vs. us enough of the time that it doesn't feel like work to smile.

Because look how beautiful that must feel.


Andrea Mowery said...

Balance of any type is elusive. Time, activity, work, play, even physical balance - at least one is out of whack all the time. Wishing you well in finding the one balance that is keeping you from feeling the peace. xo

OSMA said...

Oddly enough, just writing this all down lifted a weight off my psyche. I love how the words sink in once they come out. Good job, blog therapy :)